


under these fairy lights, i recall the memories we shared (and they hurt)

by BinBingBong



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Memories, Multi, Past, one shots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21512524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BinBingBong/pseuds/BinBingBong
Summary: if I was given one moment,just a single slice of my past.I could hold it close forever,and that moment would always lasti would choose the first time you smiled at mea series of prompt stories (the theme is 'memories' and 'winter nights')
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Everyone, Cha Hakyeon | N/Jung Taekwoon | Leo, Jung Taekwoon | Leo/Kim Wonshik | Ravi, Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Hongbin, Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Jaehwan | Ken
Comments: 10
Kudos: 47





	1. I'm Home

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: give me Christmas feels vixx or bts.
> 
> SUMMARY: Hakyeon stands on the door that he stormed out of three years ago and he wonders if he has a right to call it his home anymore  
> gen- no warnings

Hakyeon stands on the cemented pathway the green grass, covered in snow on both sides of him. The porch is still how it used to be, there's still the same old Honda parked outside the garage because the garage was never used for its original purpose anyway. He wonders if they still play in the garage, if they still get noise complaints from Neighbors when sanghyuk went into one of his moods and blasted his guitars for Hours without rest.

The door knob is cold to the touch, he's been holding onto it too tightly for 15 minutes now. He thanks the world that it's dark, otherwise he would look like a creepy stalker or thief standing there still like that. The lights are hanging messily from all ends covering the house are nd he sighs fondly because they never did put them up prettily or properly.

He wants to go in, but at the same time his brains screams  _ no _ . It's like a seesaw, he doesn't know which he wants to win, his brain or his heart.

He knows which one he wants to listen to though. 

Laughter erupts from inside the brown wooden walls, there's still that creak on the left side of the door that Taekwoon promised to patch years ago. They never got any days off, and god forbid anyone waking Taekwoon up for anything on Sundays. He wonders if Taekwoon is the same, how he's changed and how he hasn't. He wishes that he changed a little, he wonders if his ankle injury got better.

Images of the night when it happened flooded his mind, they were too young and too lost and Taekwoon needed medical assistance. He was losing blood too fast and Hakyeon was in a panic, they knew they needed to go to a hospital but neither he nor Wonshik had any money for treatment. He remembers Taekwoon's face getting paler and his whimpers getting quieter as he bled in Hakyeon’s weak arms 

He also remembers Jaehwan's kind and soft features as he walked, no ran towards them, an angel at that time and a friend from then on. 

He remembers overhearing Jaehwan telling Hongbin how that was the last of his savings that he had saved over the years for his medical school fees. Hongbin had told him despite the other not wanting to, and hakyeon felt guilty to Jaehwan, but Taekwoon put a hand on his shoulder and told him  _ he  _ would pay Jaehwan back, no matter what.

There's a shriek followed by laughter and Hakyeon knows without mistake that its Hongbin's. His heart clenches, he feels the most sorry to him, to leave when he needed him the most. 

It was today, 3 years ago. 2 weeks left until Christmas when they had fought, going all out. He didn't know if they could ever go back but his footsteps still let him here, on the same rickety doorstep. 

He didn't hope for anything when he turned the rusty key in the old lock. The door creaked as he slowly pushed open. The voices and laughter had died down, a dead silence falling over what felt like the whole city… but it was only his heartbeat that went still. And the laughter that sounded like music. Softer than the music they created once, together.

The door slowly went open, Hakyeon freezes in his spot. He doesn't know where his eyes are, he's seeing everything at once yet still he isn't… there's shock and disbelief over their faces and he thinks, for a mere second that it would still save him if he ran back now but then he hears it…

Soft as the chiming Christmas bells, sweeter than the cookies they baked together, light as a feather they used to tickle each other with… that honey sweet beautiful melodic voice that both haunted and decorated his dreams.. they echo, those two words, in his heart “Welcome home”

He knows he shouldn't cry, standing here like that but he doesn't care anymore. About anything else. He knows what's important. He knows what matters

  
And he whispers “I'm home” and for the first time in 3 years, he  _ really  _ is.


	2. soulmate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PROMPT: sad rabin, maybe past lovers, angst is ok, smut too
> 
> SUMMARY: He gave Wonshik away a long time ago, they were beyond repairs. Words meant a lot but not enough to mend them
> 
> gen-light angst (Ravi/Hongbin)

" _The next person performing is someone very close to me"_ Hongbin's head snapped from he was adjusting his wire to the general direction of the stage. He couldn’t see anything beyond the big speakers the busy staff, and the partition boards that kept backstage out of sight from the stage.

before he could properly register what he had heard, if he had heard correctly even, he heard " _ah, that person is very handsome right?"_ the other MC said into the mike, and Hongbin knew for a fact that wasn’t scripted, neither were Wonshik’s previous words _"someone very close_ " werent anything special to say, in fact it was almost funny, of course he was close to Wonshik, they literally spend almost half of their lives together, 10 years to be exact, but something- a fraction of some feelings or touch of affection in Wonshik’s voice was not lost to him and just when he was about to convince himself that he was over reading into the situation the speakers sounded again " _that’s right"_ and Hongbin felt his breath catch.

Which was utterly stupid, all Wonshik did was agree on a person’s comment that he was handsome. which was hardly a new occurrence, Wonshik used to say so himself more than enough but the next words sent Hongbin’s heart thumping violently against his chest, threatening to burst put from a feeling he wasn’t sure he recognized, or maybe he was too afraid to acknowledge _"its a person who's very special to me"_

How long had it been since Wonshik said something like that to him, something that made his hear race and threaten to hurt, how long had it beat so hard from Wonshik’s mere words… too long , way too long he had almost forgotten how good it felt, the burst of feeling, almost- never completely . how good it felt, the contract between electricity and the blooming in his chest - pathetic. Just at the sound of a man’s words he once used to love, a man he used to hold, but no longer.

It hurt, but more than that it felt good- so good to hear Wonshik say it. It had been too long, at first, Wonshik used to say it loudly for the cameras, they had broken up, yes, but they kept the illusion for the fans, to hide the fact that nothing was the same between them anymore. But slowly, that too had faded and Wonshik rarely addressed him for anything that wasn’t scripted or necessary and among the few times he had complimented or praised Hongbin, this one was the most intimate and sincere one.

Hongbin snapped himself back to reality, pulling himself out the memories that he was falling into, the overwhelming feelings that threatened to drown him and made his way up to the stage. He didn’t raise his head fumbling with his ear piece, dancers in tow as he climbed the two steps. But he couldn’t possibly avoid the slight brush of shoulders with Wonshik, when the other man descended the stairs. He tried not to recall the familiar scent of the man that still sometimes came into his dreams; he tried not to focus on the shake in Wonshik’s voice when he called Hongbin _special_ he knew it was better that way.

He gave Wonshik away a long time ago, they were beyond repairs. Words meant a lot but not enough to mend them

_“He’s my soulmate” Ravi beamed sitting up straight as he smiled at the interviewer_

_“there are a lot of definitions for the term soul mate, what would you describe Hongbin ssi as” the interviewer inquired and Ravi’s grin turned into a soft smile as he turned to look at Hongbin_

_“someone I will always protect and be loyal to- no matter where life takes us, the fact that he’s the most precious person to me will never change”_

And at that time, Hongbin had all the reasons to believe those words


	3. Late Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can't go back

“How's Taekwoon hyung ?” Wonshik asks, hesitant, sitting on the familiar chair.  
  
“He misses you. We all miss you” Hakyeon smiles sadly, placing a comforting but desperate hand atop Wonshik’s  
  
“Come home.”  
  
  
  


  
They both know they’ve had this conversation before, Wonshik's been here before. He walks silent and hears the soft voices- _Jaehwan’s, Hongbin’s-_ filtering into the hallway from the half-closed door of the kitchen. He can smell the food, the welcoming smiles he’ll get, from the way Hakyeon took his worn leather jacket and hung it on the stand, like he used to, when it was his home too... he didn’t even say anything about Wonshik dirtying the floor with his dusty boots. And yet he doesn't dare to let that delicate feeling of hope bloom in his chest, knowing too well that this doesn't mean anything, not for him, not for them- no, never for him… . He moves silently, down the corridor and to that door that seems at the same time so inviting and fills him with almost fearful apprehension. He lingers, hands pushed into the pockets of his suit, not wanting to intrude but at the same time longing so dearly to do just that, to see their faces, Hongbin's beautiful face. To see Jaehwan’s face split into the most bashfully beautiful smile, a smile that used to brighten his darkest days .  
  


  
Wonshik's throat is dry, as though he's hoarse (he doesn’t talk much anymore), it makes it feel weird and even more out of place. Hakyeon is the usual, calming presence, responding gently the way he always does though it's obvious to anyone who knows their leader well enough that he still loves Wonshik the same as he used to, Wonshik’s heart aches: he doesn’t deserve Hakyeon.

Leaning against the wall of the kitchen, Wonshik allows his eyes to slip shut just for a little moment. He doesn't need to know what the two of them are talking about, doesn't listen to the words, just that voice he's been missing for too long, the husky vocals he used to love so much, the voice that was his muse, a voice he could trust to sing the highest of notes…. And the deep silky voice, not much different than his own , but so much more softer and calming. If he stays like this he can almost pretend and believe thins are the same. He can't block out the past entirely, can't picture a present where none of it has happened, and everyone is happy as they used to be, but he knows better... If things were different he would slip into the kitchen, would be greeted with a loud squeal from Jaehwan, a small but meaningful smile from Hongbin, maybe he can handle Jaehwan, but he is not sure he can hold himself in front of Hongbin... In a different world he would pour himself a coffee, would sit down with them, joke about small things, listen to Jaehwan be cute and Hongbin be sassy; in a different world, their eyes would be filled with happiness not pain

  
“Ravi-yah” Hongbin would call him, his mouth pulling into that grin, fond in happy, not the one that he would give the camera, the exaggerated one but the honest, joyous one that were equal parts mischievous, and he would steal Wonshik’s coffee cup- their fingers brushing against each other as that teasing glint settles in his eyes- just to be a brat. Hongbin doesn’t drink coffee. And Wonshik would chase the younger around the dorm until they were either out of breath, or in a position that was too awkward, and Hongbin would be blushing. Wonshik wouldn’t miss the chance to kiss him, to not let him leave.

  
In a different world, Hakyeon would ask him about what he's up to, what songs he’s working on, that he should come home at night and not sleep in the studio and maybe he would even agree- just to secretly revel in the smile that would bloom on Hakyeon’s face.

They'd settle in silence, a comfortable silence as Hakyeon prepares dinner, something that would make Wonshik’s eyes light up with equal parts joy and fear, Hakyeon doesn’t know much on how to cook, but he insist when Taekwoon isn’t home... Hakyeon would end up watching him devour it and keep calling Sanghyuk and Hongbin to ‘come eat’ and sigh when neither would stop their games. Hakyeon would eat his share, and put out the food for the main vocals for when they come home from their schedules. Wonshik would relish the strange feeling that all of this is right somehow, like it belongs that way, because that’s how families are supposed to be, that’s how they were supposed to be

If things were different, Wonshik would trail in Hongbin's room after diner rather than his own and drop his dead weight on Hongbin feather soft bed, wrap himself into a burrito in his blanket, ignoring Hongbin's half-hearted protest, his most focus on his screen.

  
In this better reality their lips would meet in the dim light of Hongbin's bed, later that night when Hongbin gives up and joins Wonshik on his bed. It would taste like longing that has come to an end. Their hands would wander, discovering and rediscovering all there is to the other, the act familiar in the way like it has always been like this. Hongbin wouldn't be shy to embrace him, in the dark on his room, away from prying eyes, would to let his lips trail over Wonshik’s neck, to bury his head in Wonshik’s neck in embarrassment. They would stay like this until they fell asleep, listening to the soft beating of other’s heart.

  
If things were different Wonshik would stay the night, curled up on the other side of the bed that was too small for two people, he would hold Hongbin, apologize and tell him he loves him and that he’s sorry that he fucked up. He would comb his fingers through Hongbin's soft hair, allowing himself to not hold back. He'd sleep without the memories, for the first time in years; he would allow himself to forget how everything went wrong, and how he lost what could have been his.

A sigh falls from his lips as he pushes himself away from the wall, ignoring the ache in his chest to finally approach the door instead. He makes sure his steps are heard this time, one, two, three, before he pushes open the kitchen door. He's not surprised to be greeted with the scraping of a chair against the marble floor, a gasp falling from hongbin’s lips before he masks his face into neutrality. Jaehwan looks hesitant to hug him, but still smiles bright. He looks at both of them, and they look back emptily before smiling. “Hey guys, I just dropped by to say hello” he whispers

  
Hongbin doesn't look him in the eye when saying hello, Jaehwan finally gives in to hug him, whispering ‘ _I missed you’ too quietly._ he knows the vocal is trying not to cry, his chest heaving heavily. “no” he tells Hongbin and the younger stops in his act of pouring water in a kettle “I need to go, maybe some other time” he tries to be as neutral as he can, and Hongbin perhaps understands, so he nods, a little smile on his beautiful face.

"You could stay." Jaehwan says but he shrugs, still holding the older lightly in a hug. He sees none of the anger or hate for him, from before, in either of them, but he won’t hope. There are no more words exchanged as he leaves the kitchen.  
  
He trudges down the hallway, pushing down the urge to stay because he knows that he doesn’t deserve it. Nothing that he can do or say will make things right, not this easily.

He thinks of Hongbin's betrayed eyes, shining with tears when he stepped into the room that night, he thinks of the confused but horrified look on Taekwoon’s face

He shakes his head

  
  


'I can't go back.'  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops?


	4. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't a prompt. Just me being depressed
> 
> Chapter Warning: Heavy Angst/Major Character Death.
> 
> Just read this as characters playing roles. This is neither real or the characterization of the members is supposed to be real.  
> {This is a work of fiction}

Jaehwan was leaning on the wall of the balcony, thoroughly wet as rain poured down. His hair dripping water; limiting his sight as they fell on his eyes. He should be feeling cold… but he didn’t.

Hakyeon’s flowers had wilted and the plants died. They only darkened the mood

It smelled stale and gross. Hongbin always kept the air fresh.

He couldn’t keep himself up, he was sick to his stomach, arms wrapped around his middle,

struggling to breathe. The silence was too loud, screaming and shouting. He always hated silence.

_He was sobbing, screaming, crying. He couldn’t see through the rain and his tears, and he couldn’t remember the last time he had cried so hard. He watched as they put Hakyeon a stretcher and dragged him away, he didn’t understand what was going on but he knew it wasn’t right_

_“Jae!” He ignored the voice, knew exactly who it belonged to._

_He screamed out for Hakyeon, struggling in Taekwoon’s grip until he ran out of energy, he could smell the blood in the air but he couldn’t hear the sounds around him…_

“Jae.” Another voice broke him out. His manager stood with a worried look on his face.

He was alone. Completely alone...

“You’re going to catch a cold out here.” His manager said, kneeling beside him. Jaehwan felt his hand on his shoulder, his shirt sticking to his back.

He couldn’t bring himself to move. He wanted to crawl into the ground in the space between , didn’t want to leave this place ever again.

But he was moving, his body practically going limp as his manager pulled him closer, tried his best to scoop him up, carry him towards the car while he was let out a small whimper, a desperate sound. Helpless...

“No!” He whispered, clinging to the taller man, reaching over his shoulder.

“Jaehwan , we need to get you out of here, it was a bad idea to come here, you don’t need this” his manager said sternly, and Jaehwan clawed at him, _he didn’t understand, no one did. The silence in his world was too loud._

“Jaehwan?” Jaehwan turned from the shelf. It had been years, and he still tried to visit every month

He ignored the voice, set the flowers he had brought on the ground, under the urns.

“Hongbin is gone.” He said, staring at the group photo inside the shelf, two urns beside each other.

“Jaeh-”

“I’m alone again.” He mumbled, kneeling down on the ground. He had that feeling again, wanted the ground to swallow him, take him somewhere quiet, where the silence wasn’t so loud. “I miss you guys.”

“Jaehwan” Taekwoon kneeled beside him, put an arm around his shoulders.

“I never thought I’d lose them, I never could have imagined- it doesn’t feel real” Jaehwan shook his head, touching the Lilly petals, Hakyeon liked lilies so much..

“you still have me.” Taekwoon said, massaging the younger's neck. “You always have me, Jaehwan.” the older man was barely holding his own tears back.

Jaehwan reached up, took Taekwoon's hand. He closed his eyes and breathed in the unfamiliar smell, they rented a private area for the both of them, and even with the flowers it still smelled so foreign.

  
  


It was raining again, he was crying, not as hard this time. He was sitting on the stairs , eye far away, waiting for Taekwoon to bring the car, keeping his breath steady.

He wanted them to be here, right next to him. Wanted to be in their arms again.

Hakyeon was gone, Hongbin was gone, Sanghyuk had ruaway when he couldn't bear anymore, Wonshik had left. He was alone. VIXX was now a name people took with pity and sadness, they were just another tragedy now.

Taekwoon had promised him.

“I’m going to be right here.” He said with a nod. I won't leave, I promise. No matter who calls, what opportunity arrives. I want to be right here with you.”

Jaehwan thought of the times when Hakyeon had promised the same to him,laughing and reassuring, times when Sanghyuk had held him close and just sat there in silence, when he was always there ,always knew what to say times Wonshik would hold him, cuddled him, and kissed him gently, envelop the both him and Hongbin in his arms

... their happy little family. His happy little family

Broken now. So broken. Gone. all gone.

  
  


_“I’ll see you both soon, okay? I love you.” Hayeon said with a smile, getting in the car_

That was the last time Jaehwan had seen him smile. That was the last time he had smiled

“ _Hyung, I need you.” Jaehwan cried, leaning against her railing of the bed. ''Don't leave''_

But Hakyeon left. He opened his eyes for two minutes in the 4 days he spent in the hospital. He mumbled something. Jaehwan couldn't read it quick enough. 

Later Wonshik said Hakyeon asked about Hongbin. Hongbin was in the car with him.

Hongbin was gone. He followed three days after Hakyeon. The last person who held him was Wonshik. Wonshik said the last thing Hongbin said was ''Hyung must be so lonely''

_“He promised me" Sanghyuk screamed. " They promised me, they said I’d always have them” He cried, wiping his face on his sleeve. “Liars.”_

The world had never known. Sanghyuk was far too young when he came to them, too young to miss his parents, too young to feel homesick. His home became VIXX, his family become his members. Members who left him all alone. 

  
  


_“Hakyeon, please.” Taekwoon sobbed, “I’m sorry.”_

_“Hey.” Hakyeon looked up, raising a weak hand to touch Taekwoon's face, but his had went limp, ''It's not your fault'_

_“Please.” Taekwoon begged, physically exhausted. ''I love you'' despite being common information, it was the first time he had said it out loud. His confession. Hakyeon tried to smile. It was weak_

_He sat there crying, slumped against the bed. Jaehwan stared at him in silence, let him cry himself out. His tears were already dried out_

  
  
  


“ _You ever tell Hyung?” Jaehwan asked, keeping his voice level. The both of them walked together in the night_

_''No''_

_"You should, before it's too late''_

_" I don't deserve him. It won't work'' Taekwoon said silently, and walked faster. It was the night before the accident._

  
  
  


He laid between trees, staring up at the starry sky.

Years ago, there was no place he’d rather be. He wanted to be six feet under where he was right now. This was Hongbin's favorite place to run to at nights.

He could see the silhouette in the corner of his eyes, walking towards him.

He stopped a few feet away, stood over him and looked down.

“there you are Hyung.” Wonshik said, giving him a small smile. “Taekwoon Hyung said I might find you here.”

Jaehwan shrugged. He was trying to make this a happier place for himself, came here as often as he could to keep the memories of the times with Hongbin here fresh 

“Why are you here?”

“I like to come here and relax.” Jaehwan shrugged again, returned the small smile. “It’s quiet.”

“Isn’t it kind of morbid?”

“I guess. But this is where I like to be, it reminds me of him ” he said a little carefully,he knew how Wonshik and Hongbin were. Atleast he still had Wonshik. The younger had lost his only friend and soulmate

Wonshik sat on the ground, laid on his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows, gave Jaehwan a kiss on the forehead.

“I guess I get that.” He said. "Hyukie was looking for you, you know. It’s hakyeon's birthday.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jaehwan nodded, moved to sit up, leaned his back against the tree. 

"I just wanted to take a moment before we visit him''

“mhm.” Wonshik said, looking up at him sadly

“I want to talk to them. Tell them what’s going on, There's so many things Hyung has missed out on ” they both got to their feet.

“I tell them a lot, Hyung does too, yet still there's so much to tell everytime I visit.”

they both chuckled a little , ''between the four of us, I'm sure Hyung and Binnie are up to date" Jaehwan laughed, walked up to Wonshik, wrapped his arms around the other's.

"Let's go visit them" 

"Yeah, Hakyeon Hyung won't be happy up there if we're late" Wonshik said walking towards the car.

  
  


"Hyung would have been 30 today " Jaehwan said as they drove in silence "he would have hated it" a small sad smile crawled on his face

"Hongbin would have teased him so much" Wonshik nodded.

"I thought it would get better. It would hurt less" Wonshik said , a whisper

"No. It doesn't hurt less, we just learned to live with the pain" Jaehwan looked out the window.

The silence was still so loud. Always screaming and shouting. But Jaehwan learned to live with it. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally like this a lot. Lmk what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> More to come. Request are welcome.  
> Leave a comment for 'em. Or to say smthn


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